*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine