@MomOnFire

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

@MomOnFire

I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.

@MomOnFire

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

@MomOnFire

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

@MomOnFire

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

@MomOnFire

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

@MomOnFire

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

@MomOnFire

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

@MomOnFire

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.