One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Them: You’re burnt out.
T: You need a break
T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?
T: Hell no.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.