@MomOnFire

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.

@MomOnFire

A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.

@MomOnFire

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

@MomOnFire

I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.

@MomOnFire

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

@MomOnFire

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

@MomOnFire

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

@MomOnFire

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.

@MomOnFire

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

@MomOnFire

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.