Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”