MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”