@MrEd_EVH I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
@MrEd_EVH 
@MrEd_EVH I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
@MrEd_EVH A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
@MrEd_EVH I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
@MrEd_EVH Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
@MrEd_EVH Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
@MrEd_EVH Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
@MrEd_EVH Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
@MrEd_EVH *runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
@MrEd_EVH -gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?