@MrEd_EVH

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

@MrEd_EVH

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

@MrEd_EVH

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

@MrEd_EVH

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

@MrEd_EVH

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?

@MrEd_EVH

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

@MrEd_EVH

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

@MrEd_EVH

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

@MrEd_EVH

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

@MrEd_EVH

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?