grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”