@NurseMurderer

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

@NurseMurderer

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

@NurseMurderer

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

@NurseMurderer

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

@NurseMurderer

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

@NurseMurderer

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

@NurseMurderer

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

@NurseMurderer

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

@NurseMurderer

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

@NurseMurderer

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”