[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.