ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Baller is short for ballerina
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.