I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”