@SamGrittner

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

@SamGrittner

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

@SamGrittner

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

@SamGrittner

*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*

@SamGrittner

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

@SamGrittner

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

@SamGrittner

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.