COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*