@Smug_Lemur

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

@Smug_Lemur

Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol

@Smug_Lemur

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

@Smug_Lemur

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

@Smug_Lemur

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

@Smug_Lemur

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

@Smug_Lemur

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

@Smug_Lemur

It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.

@Smug_Lemur

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

@Smug_Lemur

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.