*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way