@SvnSxty

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

@SvnSxty

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

@SvnSxty

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

@SvnSxty

I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask

@SvnSxty

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

@SvnSxty

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

@SvnSxty

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

@SvnSxty

some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying

@SvnSxty

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that