@TheAlexNevil

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

@TheAlexNevil

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

@TheAlexNevil

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

@TheAlexNevil

*goes back in time

*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know

@TheAlexNevil

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

@TheAlexNevil

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

@TheAlexNevil

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

@TheAlexNevil

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.