Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.