Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
