@TheCiscoKidder

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

@TheCiscoKidder

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

@TheCiscoKidder

Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.

@TheCiscoKidder

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

@TheCiscoKidder

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

@TheCiscoKidder

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

@TheCiscoKidder

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

@TheCiscoKidder

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

@TheCiscoKidder

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.