Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying