Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
how to exercise your calf muscles
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Has there ever been a more American story?
even bears disappoint their mothers
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?