Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
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you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry