7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
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A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Not my job 😂
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I have so many questions.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.