Do I speak Spanish?
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.