@WetMascara

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

@WetMascara

Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.

Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?

Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.

@WetMascara

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

@WetMascara

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

@WetMascara

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

@WetMascara

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

@WetMascara

Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.

@WetMascara

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.