Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
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I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Breaking news:
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.