I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
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Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
my lower back watching me try to live my life
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.