*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.