I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
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“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
taking June’s advice to heart
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes