[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying


RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning


[texting friend]

me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad

friend: oh man

me: now she’s texting my mom

friend: OH MAN


grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone


[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way


[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*


[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]


microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks