my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
when there are deer in the woods
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to