how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment