@amburgklur

Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.

@amburgklur

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

@amburgklur

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

@amburgklur

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

@amburgklur

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

@amburgklur

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

@amburgklur

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

@amburgklur

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

@amburgklur

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

@amburgklur

Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.