Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”