I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
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Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
(True)
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?