I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
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I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god