@awescar

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

@awescar

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

@awescar

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

@awescar

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

@awescar

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

@awescar

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

@awescar

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

@awescar

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.