I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.