@bourgeoisalien

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

@bourgeoisalien

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

@bourgeoisalien

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

@bourgeoisalien

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

@bourgeoisalien

Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.

@bourgeoisalien

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

@bourgeoisalien

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

@bourgeoisalien

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

@bourgeoisalien

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

@bourgeoisalien

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.