Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
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It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
pls suprot
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain