[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
You Might Also Like
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.