To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
oh u like history? name everything that happened
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
British people be like I’m Bri ish
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend