Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of


if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet


nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-


nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope


judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal


i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching


[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on