The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam