What’s so funny?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Hamburger Hinderer.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
This is my brand.
