@dave_cactus

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

@dave_cactus

[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?

@dave_cactus

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

@dave_cactus

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

@dave_cactus

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG

@dave_cactus

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

@dave_cactus

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.