Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard