I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
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Hey Fugeddaboutit
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.