@decentbirthday

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

@decentbirthday

My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.

@decentbirthday

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

@decentbirthday

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

@decentbirthday

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

@decentbirthday

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

@decentbirthday

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that