Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered