ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
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As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.