You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.