@graceupongracie

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

@graceupongracie

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

@graceupongracie

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

@graceupongracie

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

@graceupongracie

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

@graceupongracie

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

@graceupongracie

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

@graceupongracie

My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever

@graceupongracie

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*