I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
You Might Also Like
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I’m calling the cops.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.