my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
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If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door