You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.