When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
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My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
These are my roll models.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way