Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex