[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure