@leftarmisme

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

@leftarmisme

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

@leftarmisme

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

@leftarmisme

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

@leftarmisme

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

@leftarmisme

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

@leftarmisme

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

@leftarmisme

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.