@leftarmisme Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
@leftarmisme 
@leftarmisme The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
@leftarmisme Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
@leftarmisme This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
@leftarmisme My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
@leftarmisme Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
@leftarmisme Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
@leftarmisme *puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
@leftarmisme I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
@leftarmisme If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.