Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
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Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
me after drinking all the wine:
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
No Google it does not
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?